More than anything else, Partner Yoga is about communication. Communication is the key to a safe and blissful practice as well as to a strong, healthy relationship. Communication allows partners to feel love and caring and elevates the practice of Partner Yoga beyond the physical. Besides, communication is one of the hardest, and most important arts we need to learn in life and Partner Yoga provides the perfect setting for this study.
Effective communication requires practice of the skills of listening and expressing thoughts and feelings. Communication is much more than talking. It is what you say, how you say it, why you say it, when you say it and even what you don’t say. Communication skills are easy to learn under the relaxing conditions of the yoga class, but can later serve the couple even under the most stressful circumstances.
Listening is the single most important communication skill. A good listener does more than hear words.
How do you get to be a good listener? To really listen is to pay attention to your partner’s words and feelings. Good listening sends a clear message to your partner: you are important to me. Good listening shows you care about his or her thoughts and feelings. Listening without being defensive encourages open and honest sharing. Good listening is the key to preventing problems and to help solve them when they happen. Listening requires that you pay attention to the voice, expression, eye contact, and gestures of your partner. It is important to focus on feelings as well as the words.
When you listen to your partner you encourage him (or her) to talk about what is important to him (or her). It’s easy to be careless or sloppy about really listening. You may think you know what the other person means. You may pretend to listen while you do something else. To break the habit of not listening carefully, you must forget about what you are going to say. Avoid judging and making comparisons. It may be difficult to change poor listening habits, but it can be done. Improving communication is worth the effort. Listening to your partner is probably the best way to show care and concern.
The other side of the same coin (listening being the first side of the coin) is clear self-expression. You may think that your partner knows your needs, feelings, and opinions without your saying them aloud.
All too often, that's not the way it is. The habit of expecting your partner to read your mind can result in hurt, disappointment, and misunderstandings. State your thoughts as clearly, honestly, and as positively as you can. Don’t avoid talking about something important to you because you are afraid of what your partner will think. Focus on how something is affecting you. And don’t blame or criticize your partner while you're doing it.
"You need to learn to be sensitively aware of the uniqueness of your partner," says Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. We are (luckily) not all the same, and we should remember that as we touch each other and help each other stretch and balance. We have different abilities and sensitivities, and the more we can learn to be able to see and feel things from the other person point of view the better partners we will be, in yoga and in life.
Part of healthy communication is of course to emphasize the positive in each other and saying it out load. Noticing and celebrating each other’s triumphs is a natural buffer for dealing with crisis.
Learning and practicing new habits of effective communication isn’t easy. Teaching yourself and learning new communication skills takes patience, patience, patience as well as practice, practice, practice. Taking the time to talk is important. A Partner Yoga practice will help in developing a relationship that will provide a safe place to share feelings, thoughts, fears, dreams and hopes.
In good times and bad, couples need each other. Good communication does not mean that your family won’t have any problems or that your partner will like what you have to say. Good communication means the chances of solving problems are much higher if you and your partner can communicate freely and well with each other.
Clearly, the importance of these skills goes way beyond the yoga class, but since it is easier to learn a strategy or skill at a low-stress time, if you keep practicing yoga as partners, these strategies will become part of the fabric of your relationship, you will be more likely to utilize them during the challenging moments.
Also, as a teacher, you have some form of a relationship with every single one of your students. So applying the following principles to these relationships will go a long way in making you a better teacher.
Here are some great tips for better communication skills…
How to listen:
- Attentiveness. Paying attention and avoiding distractions shows the person speaking that you
intend to listen. It also means setting aside your own thoughts and opinions until you have heard
what the speaker is trying to say. - Body language. Show that you're listening with your body language: maintain eye contact,
nod and don't cross your arms. - Listen generously. Reflect back on what the person said accurately. Hear the person's feeling.
Tune in to what the other person wants and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear. - Full understanding. Check your understanding of the message you are getting by putting the message in your own words: "Do you mean. . .?" "Are you saying. . .?" This helps you know whether you’ve understood what your partner really means. Ask questions to make sure you really
understand what your partner is saying. Be willing to look at every angle. - Attitude of openness and respect for what your partner is saying. You may not agree, but
show that you are willing to hear what the other person says. That demonstrates your respect for
the person speaking. It is really important that respect is given to each other's point of view,
accepting that there need not be a "right" or "wrong" way of looking at an issue. If one partner is "right", then by default, the other has to be "wrong". This idea gets in the way of clear
understanding of each other's perspective. - Give a response, not necessarily an answer. Let the other person know you are ready for more listening. "Tell me more about that."
- Touch and reassurance. Communication is difficult when strong emotions are present.
Being with your partner who is going through a tough time shows you care. A touch or hug can
show support when you don’t know what to say. - Putting old patterns and ideas aside. The habits we have and the things we do can prevent good listening. Too often, as listeners we concentrate on the response we will give-- instead of
concentrating on the message we are getting. Our habit of thinking of a response or jumping to conclusions turns off our ability to hear the intended message. - Non judgmental and non reactional. Judging what is being said is another roadblock to good listening. A quick response of anger or making fun of what is being said can block out hearing the
real message. Also try not to make assumptions – really listen with a fresh ear. - Active listening. When active listening occurs, one does not interrupt because it is willing to except
the other person as they are and learn about the differences that make the two of you unique and special. - Patience. It takes patience to listen to somebody else when you have something that you want to
set straight. Doing this will show your partner that you value their opinion so that when you speak
they will show you the same courtesy. - Humble attitude. Adopting a humble attitude towards your partner makes it easier to let go of any tendency to push for your own needs at the expense of your partner's. Making way for two or more possibilities to be valid, opens up a new forum for more effective conflict resolution.
- Forgiveness. Learn how to forgive without holding a grudge against your partner. We all make mistakes sometimes… no one is perfect.
- Assume the best. Negative interpretation patterns often occur when couples believe the worst
instead of the best about each other. Even if you have evidence to the contrary, always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. - Empathize. There are two sides to every story. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Feel what
they're feeling and let them know you've taken notice, eg "I understand that you're feeling upset." - Don’t take things personally. Recognize that criticism seemingly directed at you by your partner is probably more about their unmet needs rather than there being anything wrong with you.
Learning to let go of taking things personally is a skill well worth learning. - Put things into perspective. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when looked at from a playful and humorous point of view or if you compare them to the suffering of others.
- Take a deep breath. Try to manage your own negative feelings of anger, rage, fear, anxiety,
jealousy etc. and do not be automatic in your responses
How to speak and communicate:
- Express yourself. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and to the point.
- Explore and explain. Be ready to give as much information as your partner needs to understand
your point of view. Don't expect them to read your mind. - Speak unarguably. That means speaking in statements of fact that can't be argued. For example,
you may say to your partner: "I feel tension and fear when you pull me too fast." You're saying that
you feel tension and fear (a fact) when your partner pulls you too fast in a specific yoga pose (also a fact), and that cannot be argued. This way of speaking places no blame and allows a conversation to happen without argument. - Focus on appreciation. Psychologist theories recommend a 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint. Focus on positive aspects of your partner, your practice together and your relationship. Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner.
- Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you
come to yoga with me?” Instead of “you never do anything fun with me”. Be committed to making
clear agreements. - Don’t blame. When we blame, our listener immediately puts their defenses up and stop listening.
It is also imperative to communicate without finding fault in each other by being accusative. Seek to understand rather than overpower. - Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Try to "hmmm”, it shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn,
causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy? - Courage. Sometimes it takes courage to speak out about what is bothering you. It is vital however, that this happens so that problems may be resolved. Both parties must be honest and forthcoming with what is on their mind.
- Ask for what you want. Most people don't ask for what they want because they think they can't
get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking. Sometimes though, the hardest part is to figure out what it is you really want or need. - Show your partner what you want to receive. In other words, give your partner what you would
like your partner to give you. - Keep it simple. Don’t give too much feedback in one session, try and limit it to a single idea or
action. Be positive and constructive emphasizing strengths, simply pointing out areas of
improvement. Better to come back at a later point and give another short piece of feedback than
turn it into a monster argument. Try to generate a relationship where frequent but simple feedback is the norm. - Joint effort. A joint analysis of the problem is much easier for the recipient to accept, try using an opener like this; “Let’s sit down and see what we need to do to sort things out.” Engagement and involvement lead to acceptance and commitment, make them part of the solution.
- Learn to negotiate and compromise. Relationships are give and take. Try to find a middle path,
or a third option, where you can both be happy. It’s important to remember that there are always
more than two options. Learn how to negotiate effectively for win-win outcomes when differences of opinion or conflicting needs are a problem. - Positive. The speaker who uses negative words, phrases, and body language often sets up misinterpretations and discourages good listening. The speaker who uses positive (or neutral) words, phrases, and body language encourages open and attentive listening.
- Time and place. Be sure to save difficult or problem-solving discussions for times when you and
your partner are not tired or distracted and for places that are comfortable for both of you to discuss the issue. - Speaking in love. This is speaking to others in a caring and compassionate way. It is talking to
them, not at them. When a person develops this skill, they will be able to get their partner to
cooperate with them. For example, speaking in love would be saying "Hi sweetie, I need your help. Could you help me pick up all the yoga mats?" Remember that tone and diction are everything. It is how you say something as well. - Keep it soft. Partners who master the ability to communicate “softly,” without being highly
aggressive, contemptuous, or insulting, are more likely to get positive rather than negative responses. Those who use gentle humor and playfulness in their efforts and liberally sprinkle it throughout their interactions are more likely to have quality relationships that last. - Trust. Let yourself express vulnerability to allow for a more empowering conversation between both parties. Learning how to create safety by letting down defenses is important for successful communication.
- Think before you speak. Words can hurt, so take a moment to calm down and think, and try to reframe the situation before you allow yourself to say things you may later regret.
- No put-down zone. A yoga class, and home too, should be a no put-down zone.
Contemptuous put-downs are destructive to emotional connection and are linked to the failure of relationships. These can be plain or indirect but often involve ridicule or sarcasm. Again, focus on the great things in your partner, the effort and the progress they are making. - Laugh. This may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humor can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there's a lighter side, use it. Playful communication is one of
the most effective tools for keeping relationships exciting, fresh, and vital. Laughter and play enrich
your interactions and give your relationships that extra zing that keeps them interesting, light, and enjoyable. This shared pleasure creates a sense of intimacy and connection—qualities that define
solid, lasting relationships. Using gentle humor often helps you broach sensitive subjects, resolve disagreements, and reframe problems. - Stop talking. After you have told your partner what specific, recent actions were inappropriate, and why, stop talking. Give the other person a chance to respond to or refute your statements. Listen to what they have to say.
- Define positive steps. Agree on what actions you are going to take together to improve the
situation. - Get over it. After you have both said what you had to and agreed on a resolution, move on with
your life. Don't hold on to any bad feelings toward your partner because they made a mistake.
Don't hover over them out of fear that they may make another mistake. - Be self-aware. Self-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change (you probably tried – I’m sure it didn’t work),
but if you change your behavior they'll almost certainly react differently. - Check your conscience. Are you arguing because there's something you're avoiding, such as apologizing, compromising or forgiving? Make sure you're not fighting to protect your pride.
- Think about whether you're being affected by something else. Don't underestimate the power
of external circumstances. Are you stressed, tired, hormonal (that’s a big one – sorry ladies…) or
angry about something else? - Be adult. Do you tend to slip into behaving like a child, sulking, blaming or being obstinate? Or do
you become like a critical parent, condescending, criticizing or punishing? An adult is calm and
focused, and listens and negotiates with reason. - Own your feelings. Your partner can't make you feel something. Your feelings are under your own control. If you're angry, say "I'm angry because...", not "You made me angry."
Joint techniques to improve communication:
The best peacemaking tactics are ones you've agreed on beforehand.
- The sandwich method. It is important that you say what’s on your heart, but it is equally important that you tell it to your partner the right way. It serve no healthy propose to hurt your partner as you say the truth, so always try to find a way to say it that they’ll be able to accept. In the sandwich
method we wrap the thing we want to say (which might be less digestible) with two positive
statements (which will help in making it more digestible). So here is how it works: - Big Brother. Pretend your argument is being observed by someone whose opinion you value.
You'll be amazed at how polite and reasonable you'll both become. - Use code words. Agree on a word to use when either of you feels it's getting too emotional or
you're just going round in circles. Then take some time out before you start again. - Be practical. Try to work through the problem rationally… that’s a hard one!
- Agree to disagree. Sometimes it's simpler. Not all battles need a winner and a loser.
- Take turns. If you don't feel you're getting equal air-time, agree to take turns. Use a watch to time alternate five to ten minute slots until your communication has improved.
- Just being there. The next time your partner forgets his or her cell phone at the office, go along for
the ride to pick it up. If one of you is excited to buy an item on sale at a local store, plant some bulbs
in the garden, try out a new recipe, or polish the car, just go along and be there with your partner
for a while. - Active listening. Pick a certain night of the week and decide that on that night, at dinner, before
bed, or while taking a walk, each will take a turn sharing something positive that has happened.
The other partner will actively listen to the words, tone and nonverbal expressions of positive
feelings. When you are the listener, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and then let him or her
know what you have heard. For example, you might say, “That’s great. I can see how excited you
are to have gotten such great seats at the game for you and your friends,” or “You made the deal!
Oh, that’s too good. You sound so proud - you deserve it.” - Partner Care. Practicing partner care at positive times means observing when your partner is taking good care of him- or herself in an effort to reset the body’s rhythms after trauma, by sleeping, eating and doing stress-reducing activities. For example, you might say, “You are looking so great from all
the walking you are doing,” or “One thing about you - you really know how to calm down by going
to that piano. It’s great.” - Identifying and responding to needs. Share in fulfilling some non-crucial need your partner has,
just because this is a person you love. For example, go to a pedicure with her. Go to the car
dealership with him, just to look around. Pick up a cup of the coffee he likes or the CD she was
talking about. - If you see something, say something. Keep your eye out for the positives as a way to reinforce positive coping skills. So, if you notice that he really is a good cook or she is really a great driver, say something. If you know she can help the kids with their homework in a way you can’t or if you know
he keeps your social life going, say something. If you had a wonderful time or a funny experience together, remind the other so you both store it as a positive memory. - Bouncing. Before having a lengthy discussion on some serious issue, decide about something fun
to do together right after. It will help you achieve a more speedy recovery after the argument.
It is more productive to make the decision to move on into spending some fun time together,
to reset the emotional clock of the relationship.
• Make a small compliment about something that is right. " Wow, I like the way you look today"
• Make a single request, or say what’s on your heart: "Could you please try to be on time for
the yoga class?"
• Make a comment: "Honey, the progress you made in these classes is amazing!”
Some of the ideas and the text for this section were taken from:
Deborah Humphries - Can We Talk? Improving Couples' Communication
Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP, and Dianne Kane, DSW - Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress
Dr John Van Epp - How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk
Steve Stewart - 52 Simple Rules to Improve Your Relationship,
Dale Carnegie
Whoa! I went here waaaaaaaaaay beyond what you need for teaching or practicing a partner yoga class… but hey! Yoga and life are not two separated things, and you have a some form of relationship with everyone you meet including all of your students – so I’m sure you’ll find most of it useful…
So just to make it more succinct specifically for a partner yoga class, here is some more information about how to communicate while doing partner poses.
Communicating and Listening During a Partner Yoga Session:
Partner and group poses should always feel good to all participants. When practicing partner yoga, move slowly and mindfully with each other and speak up if you need to adjust the pose or have less or more pressure/tension in the pose.
When doing partner sequences, the pair is encouraged to breathe deeply throughout the joint practice and try to coordinate their breath. If the partners listen to each other breathe, they can better help each other to stretch further – on an exhalation the muscles relax more profoundly and the stretch can go deeper. The couple is also asked to connect more deeply by looking into each other’s eyes as much as possible. It’s a wonderful practice!
When we help each other do yoga it is very important that we compassionately communicate how the stretch feels to us, and observe and listen to how it feels to our partner – if we fail to do this we might get hurt or hurt someone else.
In yoga for two, the partners are encouraged to communicate using questions like:
• How does it feel?
• Is it too much or would you like me to stretch you a bit more?
• Please tell me if I’m pulling/pushing you too hard/far.
Non-verbal communication is as essential, and partners are guided to notice the little changes in their partner’s breath, facial expressions and body reactions (touch is the oldest form of communication). You can also create a non-verbal language - for example:
• One squeeze with the hand means “that’s enough”
• Two squeezes means “take me farther”
The breath can also be used instead of words as a mean of communication. Before transitioning to the next pose the partners can sign to each other that they are ready by taking a deep breath. Inhale to mark that you are ready and perform the transition while you exhale.
Partner yoga allows a constant feedback between the partners; as you help your partner into a pose you continue to communicate and to fine-tune the amount of tension or pressure that you give them until you find the perfect place for them. To do it, you can use the Sandwich Method in this slightly different way…
Say something that is working, ask for a single change, make an acknowledgement of the change, whether it worked or not. For example:
- Make a small compliment about something that is right. "Honey, I like the way you’re pulling me so deep into this posture…"
- Make a single request: "Could you try doing the same thing but slower?"
- Make a comment: "Wow, I thought that would be great but it doesn't work." Or "Yes, that's it.
Oh my!"
With this kind of a feedback cycle you'll both be more empowered to learn so much more about each other while communicating in a way that is kind and easily accepted by your partner.
Also, try to remember that we are not all the same, and what might feel good to you, might not feel good to your partner. When it’s your turn to be stretched communicate what you want to receive; but when it’s your partner turn, drop all ideas of how you think it should be the best for them, and really listen.
It is a good idea to let the person who is less flexible/ strong/ balanced to dictate the rhythm and how far you will go in the pose. In General there is no ”too far” or “too deep”, there is only “too fast”. If you go to fast your partner will tense up and will lose trust in you. If you move slow enough, your partner’s body will drop the tension and will not resist the stretch.
So to conclude, here are the things you should be attentive to if you want to be a good yoga partner:
- Your partner’s breath – if they hold their breath it means you went too far.
- Your partner’s facial expressions – If they look blissful, you are doing a great job; but if they are
making a face… - Your partner’s muscular tension – If their muscles tense, it means that their body is afraid and it is trying to hold on in order to not get hurt… just go much slower and their body won’t pull back.
- What your partner is saying to you – Yes means yes and no means no, no arguments.
- Hand squeezes – One squeeze with the hand means “that’s enough”; two squeezes means “take me farther”.
- Question and get feedback - Keep the communication flowing by asking for feedback.
- Adjust the position - Adjust the position according to all the feedback you received (verbal and non verbal) and do it SLOWLY.